Lewinsky Affair

screw_magazine_lewinsky On February 28, 1997, President Bill Clinton ejaculated on White House intern Monica Lewinsky, spilling his semen on her navy blue dress. Either that, or some other caucasian with the same set of genetic markers spurted on her, the odds of that being about one in 7.87 trillion.

When you get right down to it, Clinton's perjury was strictly penny ante. He lied in court about cheating on his wife. Then he got caught. End of story. There was no constitutional crisis, no threat to the rule of the law, nada.

Most people who decry Clinton's lying under oath about adultery are, by and large, complete and utter hypocrites. "If our President is willing to lie to a court of law, that undermines confidence in the entire justice system." Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next time you hear somebody spouting that bullshit, here are two words for them: Water and Gate.

Compared to Watergate, Clinton's activities were practically saintly. But the diehard Clinton haters cannot bring themselves to admit it.

As the investigation got closer to the White House, Nixon instructed his men to cover up the crime. When special prosecutor Archibald Cox demanded that the President hand over his audiotapes, Nixon instructed the Attorney General to fire Cox. Instead, the AG resigned. Nixon then had to fire the Assistant Attorney General when he also refused to do it. Finally the Solicitor General, Robert Bork, fired Cox. And when the Supreme Court finally forced Nixon to hand them over, there were 18.5 minutes missing on tape 342 -- intentionally obliterated by at least five separate passes of recorded noise.

Let's see, that's at least conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and destruction of evidence. Now there's a President who really understands what it means to be above the law.

If your friend counters that Watergate is old news, try Iran-Contra. There's another actual Constitutional crisis for you.

But the Lewinsky scandal had something going for it: namely, the President's hot, steaming manchowder. The American public couldn't get enough of it, and the nation's news media quickly became supersaturated with Lewinsky coverage. Daily Show anchor Craig Kilborn set the tone when he announced:

We now continue our endless, ceaseless, won't-stop-if-you-beg-us coverage of
"Make it Stop '98: To Dream the Impeachable Dream."

Another hilarious fake news outfit, the Washington Times, decided to go after Clinton with gusto. Why? Because their owner, ultraconservative cult leader Sun Myung Moon, demanded it. As he announced to his followers in 1997:

Are you really truly American citizens? (Yes.) Do you really love your President? (No.) (Laughter.) This is not a laughing matter. If you are given a choice to love Reverend Moon or President Clinton, whom do you have to love first? (Father.) You say that because you are Unification Church members. (Laughter.) Thinking people in the society also consider Reverend Moon more valuable than President Clinton.

Isn't the Washington Times becoming more famous every day? The Washington Times exercised its power properly by chasing 70 congressmen who were involved in immoral behavior and causing them to step down. At this time the Washington Times is digging into President Clinton's past, mistakes that have been covered up. When American people in general look at the situation, do they think that Reverend Moon is doing too much or would they encourage Father to go ahead and find out the truth?

They all know that Reverend Moon is not an American citizen so, in a way, you should feel that a non-American is here, digging into these bad situations and coming up with the truth. There is no other choice because right now there is nobody else who is righteous enough or brave enough to do this except Father. What do you gain by opposing and judging your President? You may find yourself in all kinds of life threatening situations by doing so. Reverend Moon is labeled as a person who goes up against anyone who is unrighteous, so the entire population of 240 million American people have been judged at one time or another by Father. Therefore, even if he goes against President Clinton, they consider that normal behavior for Father. Father has the label that, even though he is Korean, he is here to save the entire world.

In September 1998, independent counsel Ken Starr submitted his report to Congress. Here's the summary of events that most people were looking for:

The sexual encounters generally occurred in or near the private study off the Oval Office -- most often in the windowless hallway outside the study. During many of their sexual encounters, the President stood leaning against the doorway of the bathroom across from the study, which, he told Ms. Lewinsky, eased his sore back.

Ms. Lewinsky testified that her physical relationship with the President included oral sex but not sexual intercourse. According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President; he never performed oral sex on her. Initially, according to Ms. Lewinsky, the President would not let her perform oral sex to completion. In Ms. Lewinsky's understanding, his refusal was related to "trust and not knowing me well enough." During their last two sexual encounters, both in 1997, he did ejaculate.

According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President on nine occasions. On all nine of those occasions, the President fondled and kissed her bare breasts. He touched her genitals, both through her underwear and directly, bringing her to orgasm on two occasions. On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina. On another occasion, she and the President had brief genital-to-genital contact.

Of course, there was more. Much more. The report describes a sexual encounter in the bathroom adjoining the Oval Office:

[S]he and the President kissed, and he touched her bare breasts with his hands and his mouth. The President "was talking about performing oral sex on me," according to Ms. Lewinsky. But she stopped him because she was menstruating and he did not. Ms. Lewinsky did perform oral sex on him.

Suddenly this tantalizing footnote appears, referring to some of Lewinsky's videotaped testimony:

They engaged in oral-anal contact as well.

After the Starr report was released to the general public, the House Judiciary Committee fought over releasing the source materials. The question was how much should be redacted from the raw testimony and supporting documentation that served as the basis for the final report. The Democrats argued that the sexually explicit portions were not strictly necessary to serve the public necessity. But they were outnumbered by Republicans 21 to 16.

That cigar stuff was released only at the insistence of Bob Barr (R-Georgia). Everyone else on the committee had already agreed that it was gratuitous. But Barr demanded that the hot cigar action be revealed to the public.

In January 1999, the tables were turned when Barr's ex-wife Gail accused him of personal indiscretions, including an extramarital affair. It was in a sworn affadavit made at the request of HUSTLER magazine. Her affadavit further indicated that Barr had perjured himself during the course of their divorce proceedings. The pro-life congressman had paid $300 for her 1983 abortion and even driven her to the clinic. In 1986, Barr testified under oath that he had opposed the abortion, and that it had occurred "against my wishes."

After news of the affadavit broke, Barr reiterated his position: "I have never perjured myself... I have never suggested, urged, forced or encouraged anyone to have an abortion." Then in 2002, Barr filed a $30 million lawsuit against HUSTLER publisher Larry Flynt, former President Clinton, and Clinton strategist James Carville over the allegations.


23 Jul 1973 Monica Samille Lewinsky born to Marcia Vilensky and Bernie Lewinsky, San Francisco, CA.
Jul 1995 Monica Lewinsky joins the White House, as an intern in the Chief of Staff's office.
13 Nov 1995 Monica Lewinsky accepts a full-time, paid position in the White House Office of Legislative Affairs.
15 Nov 1995 In the Chief of Staff's office, White House intern Monica Lewinsky pulls down her pants to show President Bill Clinton that she is wearing black thong underwear. In response, Clinton verbally indicates his approval. Later that evening, Bill fingerbangs Monica and plays with her tits. Then she gives him a blowjob while he talks on the phone.
17 Nov 1995 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits, then she gives him a blowjob while he talks on the phone with Congressman H.L. "Sonny" Callahan.
31 Dec 1995 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits, then she gives him a blowjob.
7 Jan 1996 President Bill Clinton offers to go down on Monica Lewinsky but she demurs, telling him that she's menstruating. Then she gives him a blowjob and a rimjob.
Jan 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
21 Jan 1996 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits, then she gives him a blowjob.
4 Feb 1996 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits and pussy, then she gives him a blowjob.
19 Feb 1996 President Bill Clinton tries to end his affair with Monica Lewinsky.
31 Mar 1996 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits and pussy. Then he pushes a cigar into her pussy, pulls it out, and puts it in his mouth. "It tastes good," Clinton says.
7 Apr 1996 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits, then she gives him a blowjob.
16 Apr 1996 Monica Lewinsky is transferred to the Pentagon.
21 May 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
5 Jul 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
19 Jul 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
5 Sep 1996 During a telephone conversation, Monica Lewinsky tells President Bill Clinton that she wants to fuck him. He turns her down.
22 Oct 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
2 Dec 1996 President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky engage in phone sex.
14 Feb 1997 Monica Lewinsky's valentine runs in the Washington Post:

With love's light wings did
I o'er perch these walls
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt.
-- Romeo and Juliet 2:2

Happy Valentine's Day.


28 Feb 1997 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits, then she gives him a blowjob. This time, Clinton spurts on her navy blue dress she bought at the Gap.
29 Mar 1997 President Bill Clinton plays with Monica Lewinsky's tits and pussy, then they briefly touch genitals and she gives him a blowjob. Again, Clinton spurts. It will be their last sexual encounter.
28 Dec 1997 President Bill Clinton gives Monica Lewinsky what she later describes as a "Christmas kiss." No sex, though.
20 Jan 1998 President Bill Clinton tells the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."
21 Jan 1998 Bill Clinton: "There is not a sexual relationship. That is accurate. We are doing our best to cooperate here, but we don't know much yet, and that's all I can say now. What I'm trying to do is to contain my natural impulses and get back to work."
Mar 1998 During an interview, Congressman Dan Burton (R-Ind.) explains to the Indianapolis Star why he's chasing President Bill Clinton: "If I could prove 10% of what I believe happened, he'd be gone. The guy's a scumbag. That's why I'm after him."
27 Apr 1998 Newt Gingrich tells the Atlanta Rotary Club: "What you have lived through for 2 1/2 years is the most systematic, deliberate obstruction of justice, coverup and effort to avoid the truth we have ever seen in American history."
20 Jul 1998 Time magazine contributor Nina Burleigh declares: "I would be happy to give him (Bill Clinton) a blowjob just to thank him for keeping abortion legal. I think American women should be lining up with their presidential kneepads on to show their gratitude for keeping the theocracy off our backs."
28 Jul 1998 Monica Lewinsky turns over the semen-encrusted blue dress to the Office of the Independent Counsel.
8 Aug 1998 Congressman James Traficant comes up with the quip: "If it's on the dress, he must confess. If that dress don't fit, they must acquit."
17 Aug 1998 During his grand jury testimony before the independent counsel, President Bill Clinton delves briefly into semantics.
ATTORNEY: Whether or not Mr. Bennett knew of your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, the statement that there was "no sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form, with President Clinton," was an utterly false statement. Is that correct?
CLINTON: It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is. If the -- if he -- if "is" means "is and never has been and is not" -- that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement.
11 Sep 1998 During a White House prayer breakfast, President Bill Clinton declares: "I don't think there is a fancy way to say that I have sinned."
4 Oct 1998 In a New York Times opinion piece, former President Gerald Ford declares that President Clinton should "accept full responsibility for his actions, as well as for his subsequent efforts to delay or impede the investigation of them... No spinning, no semantics, no evasiveness or blaming others for his plight."
4 Oct 1998 The Washington Post runs an ad from HUSTLER magazine publisher Larry Flynt, offering $1 million to anyone who can prove that they "had an adulterous sexual encounter with a current member of the United States Congress or a high-ranking government official."
4 Nov 1998 Newt Gingrich blames the disappointing election results on the media's fascination with the Lewinsky Affair: "I mean, I totally underestimated the degree to which people would just get sick of 24-hour-a-day talk television and talk radio and then the degree to which this whole scandal became just sort of disgusting by sheer repetition."
19 Dec 1998 The House of Representatives passes two of four articles of impeachment against President Bill Clinton.
11 Jan 1999 HUSTLER magazine publisher Larry Flynt accuses Congressman Bob Barr (R-Georgia) of having cheated on his wife. He also accuses Barr of paying for his wife's 1983 abortion and subsequently committing perjury when he denied it under oath.
12 Feb 1999 The Senate acquits President Bill Clinton.
2 Aug 1999 On Rivera Live, conservative freak Ann Coulter tells Geraldo Rivera: "[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks."
6 Feb 2000 On This Evening with Judith Regan, conservative freak Ann Coulter declares: "Clinton is in love with the erect penis."
10 Apr 2000 Mark Chmura, tight end for the Green Bay Packers, is arrested for raping a 17-year-old girl at an after-prom party in the bathroom of a Hartland, Wisconsin home. In 1997, Republican family man Chmura had publicly boycotted an invitation to the White House, claiming that Bill Clinton "didn't have the moral authority to be President."
17 May 2000 Matthew Glavin, President of the Southeastern Legal Foundation, is arrested by an undercover officer on Medlock Bridge road in the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area, near Atlanta. Glavin was masturbating and attempting to fondle the officer. The SLF had spearheaded the attempt to get President Bill Clinton disbarred in Arkansas.
20 Nov 2003 Monica Lewinsky tells GQ magazine: "One of the huge misconceptions about me in the past few years is that I have made a fortune from this... People who have this idea that I have millions of dollars or even a million, or close to a million, are off their rocker."

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